lima

the cycle of a social life

2008-10-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

bukan berarti aku tidak berusaha
bukan berarti pula aku tak pernah mencoba
berjuta waktu telah kuarungi mendaki sebuah bukit
bukit kehidupan sosial yang tinggi curam bagai tanpa akhir
ingin dilihat ingin diakui
ingin ditanya ingin setidak-tidaknya diingat
jari-jari tangan terkelupas habis
oleh erosi ego dari kerikil-kerikil salah sangka
telapak kaki baal dari hantaman kapalan iri hati
tetes-tetes keringat penuh masalah yang dibuat-buat oleh pikiran sendiri
jatuh bercampur dengan sepasang mata
yang lelah oleh silaunya pancaran matahari
yang sinarnya menusuk penuh rasa keheranan
kenapa makhluk seperti ini bisa ada disini?
kenapa dia tidak menyadari dimana harusnya dia berada?
kenapa dia tidak diam saja dibawah?
apa daya diri tidak mampu
menahan gejolak ingin berdiri diatas sang bukit itu
berdiri diatas padang rumput hijau tidak terlihat
mitos tentang kebaradaan sang danau diatas sana
danau ketenangan berisi mata air kehormatan diri
siapa yang minum dari danau tersebut akan diakui
akan dihormati
akan diketahui keberadaannya
dari situ dia akan berdiri di ujung bukit tersebut
menunduk melihat kebawah
memperhatikan kaum-kaumnya sedang berusaha
berdiri di tempat dia berdiri dan menunduk
minum air danau yang dia minum
dan diakui layaknya dia diakui setelah sampai diatas
dari situ pula dia akan mengulurkan tangannya
dengan syarat tersaksikan oleh orang-orang lainnya yang juga ada diatas
bersama dengan dia
apabila tersaksikan sudah
dia akan menolong dan membantu kaum-kaumnya
bagai induk singa menolong anaknya
menjadi panutan dan pahlawan
bagi adik-adik kelasnya
menjadi figur yang diingat namanya
oleh kakak-kakak kelasnya
menjadi orang atas yang peduli terhadap orang bawah yang tak henti-hentinya
berusaha untuk menjadi orang atas.

2008-09-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

huee heee...
whippeee whippeee yay...
la la la...
whippppeeeeyyy yeaaaaaahhhhhh

nothings

2008-09-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

I know
I know...

I know I don't have the talent.
I know I don't have the mindset.
The analogy.

I might only have the passion.
The will for the very first moments.

I might be stuck.
Most probably I will.
By the middle of it.
All the way through the end.

I will do it.
Will I?
I have nothing to lose.
But I know I have lost a lot even now.
I don't want to lose anything else.
But I realized I never had anything.
Nothing.
I have lost noting.
I have lost a lot.
A lot of nothings.

Nothings.

2008-09-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

do I?
when is it exactly?
when does it all started?
It changes
to the better
or for worse.
It changes.
I have no recollection
of the shattered piece of memory,
the proud feathers of the peacock of reminiscence,
not even the mere image of myself.

when I realize,
I have turned myself,
turned into something,
something .

all my life,
I know I have always been the 8th color of the rainbow,
the unknown strip in the flag of life,
the outcast of the solar system.
I breathe a different air,
and I consume a different nutrition.

But now,
I am 1 day old.
I am oxygenated.
I cry tears.
I like soccer.
I play.
I play together.

do I deserve all this masks?
do I deserve this newly added chapter?
do I deserve to be published?
and be read,
and believed?

I have never fought for it to be so.
I have never forced anyone to.
if it looks like I did.
do I deserve to be hated by those who don't?
I am running forward,
with my head facing backward,
and my eyes patrol around,
trying to catch a sight of some fierce leopards,
who I know will strike me whenever they had a chance to,
I know I'm in a hot seat.
alone in a big empty savannah,
with bushes around me,
waiting to be eaten.

I am not scared,
part of me wants to go back.
to be unaccepted,
to be hiding,
to be the stealthy owl as I used to be.

I am confused,
I am running,
I don't know what for,
but I hope it's worth it.

the origin of our sole warrior

2008-03-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

I have something on my mind.
something BIG.
something dark.
something scary,
yet oh so merry,
and pretty,
oh so pretty.

I have something i wanna say.
I have something i wanna smell.
wanna touch.
wanna play with.
I wanna own it.
and share it.
and let everyone,
anyone,
owns it as well.

I live for this.
for knowing this.
I live.

wanna know whats that?

I wanna know how we got here.
I wanna know how we came about.
I wanna know,
wanna ask,
wants some answers.
From who is the answer?
from who is I should know?

la li la.
jumping around.
la li la.
feeling all,
everything around me.
oh so merry,
and pretty.

Oh oh my oh oh gray things.
oh oh my oh oh blue things.
where oh where oh where my greenies.
my brownies.
my reddies.
oh oh oh.

I see it.
i see it clearly.
by the blue.
beside the yellow.
covered by the whites.
and surrounded by the colors.
colors of sounds.
and noises of things.
I wanna hear,
everything around me,
so merry,
and oh so pretty.

I wanna go there.
i wanna touch.
wanna step on it.
and fly on it.
float.
like the angels.
like the angels.
long long
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
time ago.

harus.

2008-01-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

harus.
harus liat
harus ngomong
harus denger
tapi ga bisa
harus ngomong
harus ngomong
tapi
kalo ngomong terus
ga ada yang denger
harus denger
harus ngomong
harus.

pv pv

2008-01-12T04:18:00.000-08:00

i have no doubt
i had a mistake

i have no thoughts
of coming back and repair

i have no dream
of being someone

of being something

of being someone
that done something
to someone
on something
that affects someone
and another someone
on another something

fuck all those bureaucracy
fuck all those who say it
those who dreamt about it
those who acknowledged its existence

its unfair
how they get the things so easy
where they dont really need them
when they never even try to find them
whose not worthy of the possession

its sickening
and hurtful
how they can did that
without looking back
and still optimist
for the future ahead to be filled
with colors and smiles
stupid is one
and idiot is another
there is nothing

nothing else

how can i manage
manage to survive
manage to stay alive
manage to exist
if it wont affect anything
if my presence is acknowledged by none

please let me go
let me just disappear
to the bottom of the social junk piles
make all my memories gone
make all my knowledge gone
make my face gone
as i wont need them anymore
as if i need them now
i dont
and i have no desire to need them anytime soon
or longer
or forever

please

please

euphoria

2007-12-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

seeing everyone
standing around

seeing everyone
staring on and on

seeing everyone
with their mouth open

seeing everyone
simply turned on

i can do anything
i can say anything

i have he proofs
i have the moves

i have the glitter
to make everyone shatter

i have the dream
as good as it seem

whatever i have to do
whatever i have to say
whatever i have to dream about
whatever i have to be ashamed of

to reach that state
the state on the plate
after i finished the slate
without any debate

is my euphoria.

think

2007-12-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

what have i done.
what have i said.
a lot.

a LOT.

i have been a traitor.

i have been an enemy.
while being a best friend.

i have been a truthful person.
and a hurting one.
and a hurt one.
and a hurting one.
and a hurt one.
and a hurting one.

i have been a talker.
talked with my mouth.
without my eyes.
without my ears.
without my mother's mouth.
without my father's mouth.

i have been a listener.
a constant listener.
constant.
too constant.
one can only be a listener for that long.
and one will have to balance it.
by throwing it out on another group.

i have been a waiter.

i have been a hoper.
for a thing that i shouldnt hope.
and because of that.

i have been a traitor.

will i be clean enough,
to at least see my eyes in the mirror.

will i be clean enough,
to at least make a way for oxygen in my nostrils.

will i be clean enough,
to just think.
think.
think.
you.
me.
think.
us.
think together.
me.

la li la argh

2007-12-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

went there
been there
i knew why i was there
i knew who would i be with there
i knew who would i meet there
i was not sure what to expect there
i was not able to force myself to find out
i was excited
i was thrilled
i was panicking
i was crazy
i was happy
i was nervous

whatever i found there
whoever i was with
and wherever i would be
i felt great
i felt accompanied
i felt there are finally people around me
i felt there are finally another living soul talking to me
i felt there are finally a person
a person other than my reflection
talking to my ears
looking to my eyes
calling to my name

if only it could last forever
if only it could last at leas a day longer
or at least few hours longer
i could die even before the extension started
no use
but at least i will still be happy
for an extra few minutes
if only

but aniway,
it was great.
thnks guys

yay...

2007-12-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

the suffering.
the pain of those people.
the story.
the tears.
the sweat.

feel it in my heart.
feel it in your eyes.
feel it with your ears.
and with your skin.
with your tongue.
with your head.

if i am to be there.
if i am to feel it there.
if i am have to be there.
if i didnt choose but aniway im still there.
if i never even dreamt of it but still being there.
if i have tried everything to not be there but still be there.
if i better die than being there.
if i die.
if i die.
if i fucking leave this fucking life.
if i can die.
it would be like,
dead.
its fucking awesome.
fucking die this fucking time.

yay.

wannabit

2007-11-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

i wanna be there.
i wanna share the pain.
wanna feel them too.
together.

i wanna go there.
to the place where misplaced is correct.
where eyes become some kind of cheap projectors.
where ears become one with brain,
with hands,
with feet,
with teeth,
with tongue.

i wanna live there.
i wanna stay there forever.
there i wont need to think of myself.
i wont need to think of my family.
i wont need to think of time.
i wont need to think of oxygen.

i wanna i so really fuckin wanna.

o mirror mirror

2007-11-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

o mirror mirror on the fucking wall
why o why i am acting like me

o mirror mirror on the fucking wall
when o when will i be happy as i am

o mirror mirror on the fucking wall
who o who is gonna be there for me when the time comes

o mirror o fucking mirror on the fucking white wall
please cover me
let me see my fake reflection
o please

grow

2007-11-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

today,
i realized one thing,
one very scary thing.

I realize,
that even though im not even 20 years old
even though im still clinging on my family income
even though im still looking for fun and friends
even though im still looking for who i am

I realize,
even though the sky never moves
even though the buildings stuck on the ground
even though my bed is still not moving
even though im still using boxers
even though i still smoke

I realize,
even though im still looking for some high times
even though im still looking for some attitude 911
even though im still wanting all the toys in the world
even though im still lost

I realize,
even though im here
even though im breathing
even though im alive
even though i know my friends are alive
even though i know that theyre gonna be just fine

I realize,
that i need to grow up.

fly

2007-11-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

if only i know why
why am i making it harder
and heavier
and longer
and more painful
and even more disgusting to recall
if only i know

please just let me run
let me fly
let me soar to the sky
with wings
on my elbows
just pigeon's wings will do
i dont need to be those lame eagles
or those ridiculous vultures
just a pigeon
small brown dirty pigeon
with a happiness of a proud peacock
i will fly

its hard
being alive is very tiring
all those jealousies
and those fakeness
im just sick
sick of playing
i dont wanna die
but neither i want to live as someone else

i wanna fly
as a butterfly
blossoming along with the flowers
fresh and light
with those dew
and nectars on my palate
i just wanna be free

a thank you

2007-10-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

i feel great that day.
its unusual all right.
i was supposed to be tired.
i guess i actually was.
but some kind of sheer smiling force struck me.
i couldnt seem to stop my mouth getting wider and wider.
i feel the wind blowing on my face.
on my hair.
on my eyes.
on my whole body.
the sky was brilliant blue.
no clouds at all.
framed by shiny green trees.
incredible.
it was the first time in my life.
i suppose.
i had everything i wanted back there.
though it was only for few hours.
it was enough.
i have the nature with me.
i have my friends with me.
i felt so good.
it was like flying.
really flying.
it may sound cheesy, but it really was like flying.
at the same day, i also made some great discovery.
its about happiness.
i dont think it is something that you search for.
i think it is something that you gain.
when the time is right.
omg i cant believe i would ever felt like that.
thank you friends.
thank you yellow stuffs.
thank you green stuffs.
thank you cab uncle.
thank you mama earth.
thank you.
thank you.

im just a young bastard.

2007-10-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

i always felt like a great thinker. seeing myself as someone special, different, unlike any other people. I dont see them as my kind. Im superior. I knew I am. I knew I had all of those people's experiences in the past, I felt like ive gone through it, defeated it, conquered and overcame the whole situation, and I am more matured than they are. But am I really are? I'm not that sure anymore. Ive seen some things that convinced me, and some that didnt, some things that made me think, "yea, ive said that before when i was in the similar situation." Or some that made me think,"how come they don't look like they're having the same problem as me? we're in the same age, same group of friends growing up, same school, even same slangs used, but why?". I am confused, puzzled, i dont wanna think about it anymore. But I cant just let it swirls inside my brain all the time, Ive gotta clean this mess in my head, as soon as possible. I wanna do surveys, but that would be really idiotic, I dont even know how to put my questions literally, they are questions of feelings, unsure feelings. What I need actually is not an answer, not those definite answer like the ones you get from Math, or Physics, or Chemistry, or when you tell your parents that you're gay, or your girlfriend and boyfriend. What I need really is confirmation, a good-old flat-toned normal saying, that goes like this, "yea, i know how that feels.". I wish I can get those wonderful rainbow-like five words put together in one line just like a heavenly soothing phrase. I wish I could get that ethereal line without telling the situation to a person, I really wish I could, Im not simply hoping for a cat to grow wings and fly off in front of me, Im aware of the impossibility, but Im just unwilling to actually find another method to get it. Actually, the other method is quite obvious, I think it is to simply tell the situation to any of your friends, so-called friends, need-to-be friends, i-want-to-be-their friends, I-guess-they-are friends, i-hate-them-that's-why-im-going-to-break-them-from-inside friends,
and maybe even your parents.But it would make you look very dumb, and immature, and stupid, and youll look like you are so left behind by time, and that is not good, not good, not good. I am a person of maturity-mask, greatness-mask, knowledge-mask, pain-mask, experience-mask, cool-mask, straight-mask, and skinniness-real. I cant go around and asking people about whether theyve felt the same feelings or not, that would make me look like an amateur in this life, because don't forget, I'm also a person of professionalism-mask. I wonder when will I gonna stop, when, what time, tell me, is it tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, next century, next millenium, or maybe when my parents will finally accept me as myself? please just let me have those make-up cleaner, i need to see my real face, desperately. I know Im not a terrible person, I just know it deep in my heart, that I want to die when Im old, surrounded by people that I loved the most, None of them are going to wear black, I want them to wear colorful stuffs, we'll do my cremation in Bali, I'll rent a block of beach just for my private goodbyes with those people, I want bikinis, sun, cocktails, sands, surfboards, cool cool reggae musics, hot hot marijuanas, great great view of the sea, beautiful beautiful people, magical magical sunset, and no no no no tears at all. I want to be nice to people, I want to come across as a person that I think is the real me. I will.

bad boss

2007-10-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

this is so silly.
those people really frustrate me.
omg.
i know im being so nasty.
acting like some kind of superior.
i feel crazy.
how could i do that.
but that superiority has confined me.
i am now stuck.
i dont know how to communicate with my "underlings".
i feel like a bad boss,
a bad person.
i need to stop this.
theyre not my underlings.
theyre my mates.
i love them.
they're just like my own family.
what was i thinking.
but i have no clue on what's going on.
i don't know how to even start.
start to fix things.
i don't know what they know.
i don't think i should know.
but in this case, maybe i should.
i need to talk.
and thus,
i need to know something.
otherwise ill be talking nonsense.
and that will only make things worse.
what am i gonna do.
how long will this last.
i need to find out a way.
and then sneak through in again.
just like old times.

chat with cool.

2007-10-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

sit.
dont talk back.
relax.
calm,
down.
i wont think of it.
no.
i wont.
its ok.
i dont have anywhere to speak.
to tell.
to cry.
i feel alone.
i think it was my choice to be alone.
or maybe i just cant be not alone.
maybe im made to be alone.
i tried.
what should i do.
i dunno.
im starting to feel sick again.
but i dont know how to handle it this time.
im confused.
maybe i shld do what i think i shld.
but im so scared tht i will be alone again after i did tht.
im confused.
and petrified.
i dunno what to do.
maybe i shld just break it.
or maybe i dont.
but i did it.
o no.
did i just made a wrong move?
im stuck.
peculiar!
omg.
shit.
what shld i do.
im really really stuck.
o no.
shld i continue?
but i dunno how to continue.
as i said again,
im stuck.
i really dunno wat to do.
hopefully this works out.
im so panicking right now.
omg omg.
im not ready yet.
doing good.
doing really good.
or maybe just normal.
i dunno.
but at least for me, this is good enough.
still nervous.
omg.
its doing kinda great.
a bit weird.
should i go deeper?
maybe i shld.
o no im terrified.
again.
i dunno if i shld do it.
hmmmm.
omg omg.
maybe i shldnt.
not the time.
this is gd enough for me.
phew.

a good person

2007-10-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

i feel nothing.
i dunno why.
i want to know.
i was lookin for it.
i went out and look for it.
i failed.
deliberately.
i dunno why i choose to be a failure.
i was lookin for it.
i tried my best.
i still couldnt find it.
i want to see.
i want to know.
i want to put it inside of my brain.
i want to tell people.
i want responses.
im a person of confirmation.
i need them to build my confidence.
im cold and scared without it.
do i feel sorry for myself?
no, i loathe it.
but i believe im not the only one.
maybe other people also have this kind of probs.
they just never said it out.
so ill consider myself lucky enough to be able to spit it out here.
why do i force myslef?
im not sure.
maybe because i know an example,
a goal.
a place where i want to stand on.
although maybe i know im not supposed to.
maybe,
so i can still reassure myself all the time,
that i can stand there,
and i will.
is that a good attitude?
that sure sounds like a good one.
i wanna feel safe.
i wanna quietly follow.
i wanna silently gain the acknowledgments that i think,
maybe,
again,
i should have.
i know my friends.
maybe they know me.
i hope they do.
i want them to do.
but seems like my defense system make myself appeared as someone else.
or maybe that is who i really am.
if that is,
i am miserable.
im not cool,
im chatty,
im annoying.
im the last person i wanted to be.
why is it?
i worked so hard.
i know im not that person.
i just know it.
is it self defense?
maybe it is.
but i just never will accept that guy.
no way.
i know i can be a good friend.
why?
because ive met and known a lot of good people.
and i believe that i have followed them.
because when you know a good person,
sometimes you are,
at least,
decently and publicly referred as good.
so i think,
i should know how to be a good person.
but at the same time,
i think ive also found out,
on the way to becoming this generally referred as decently good person,
how to be myself.
and i still dont have that kind of trust,
that kind of confirmation and self-confindence,
that i am indeed,
a good person.
but maybe,
i am.
maybe.

i wish i can

2007-10-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

if only they knew,
i'm tired of this spin,
i'm racing against the wind,
going ultra-fast against the piercing gale,
i'll run out of my skin if i keep doing that,
please notice it soon,
now,
don't you feel it too?
the slash of the winding glares,
the thrust of the loud mockery,
maybe you don't,
i don't know,
like you don't know about mine,
how can i tell you?
i wish i can, i wish i knew, i wish i can.
i thought it would be easy,
i thought my body and brain would adjust to it eventually,
i thought my eyes and nose would be drier by times,
drier, yeah, so dry, that i can feel every single hair inside my nostrils,
i feel like a skunk trying to feel good about my own smell,
acknowledging the fact,
i wish i can, i wish i knew,
i wish i can.
i want to tell you so badly,
i wonder what's gonna happen,
i'm afraid, afraid of a good things that will come to me if i tell you,
i know it won't be worse than now,
it can't be worse,
but i wish i can,
i know we will have a blast if i tell you,
we will probably run away,
across the country,
should be fun,
but why can't i tell you?
there's this huge wall that blocks my true intentions all this time,
what is it?
i want to break it, i want, i do, i don't maybe, i do? i don't
i don't feel like the wall is that thick, i know i can just tear it,
why can't i?
i wish i knew, i wish i can,
please just tear it for me,
break it and let me tell you the thing,
right in front of your face,
please just realize it,
now.

friends

2007-10-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

have u ever think of the friends we have.
we have friends that think of us as their friends as well.
something like a two-way connection.
we also have friends that we think is only there for the sake of something other than friendship.
it is called business.
we also have friends that we think of them as friends, we dream to be their friends, we hope they feel the same way too.
reality is, those "friends" will never be our real friends.
when we want someone to be our friend,
we errored in terms of many spontanious actions,
we speak many things that we don't usually say,
we move like we just learn how to walk,
try to make fun of ourselves,
hope they'll laugh and accept you,
by doing that, you don't make them your friends,
they laugh, yes,
they had fun, probably,
but they think of you as a funny acquaintance, that's the nicest, the worst, as a clown.
This theory doesn't really occur on everyone,
some people are just too cool for everyone,
they never face this kind of things in their social life.
i hope they feel the same,
i hope they know what i want,
i don't need to be that person,
i never say i don't want to,
i'd love to,
but i think being myself is a better decision,
i want to have them,
i need them,
is it business?
i'm not sure,
is it friendship?
i'd like to address it that way.

ah not-so-hidden intention

2007-10-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

a night
so dark
its not even a night
a night is an event
where everything is hidden
supposedly
everything is covered by the nocturnal lid
everything is supposed to be waiting
waiting for the morning to come
the dawn of the new, exciting, hopefully powerful and eventful hours,
hours bathed in sunlight
ornamented with colours and noises
i want to dance
too rough
too plain
such a gangster paradistic
pessimistic but hopefully its reality
how it looks like
exactly
unblindfoldedly
i rally
just need
need to express
i want to jump
spread my legs
i want to learn
learn to cry
learn to dress
learn to accept
accept what i am
accept what i can give
eventually satisfy people
let them smile
without being forced
i just
want to
need to
dream of becoming one of them
who can move freely
without the boundaries of stereotypes
without any cuffs from the mass' expectations
im just a person
with some extra hopes
and some extra restrictions
restrictions that i made myself
and i followed
without even thinking
and feel tortured by it
and sighed to my friends
without blaming them
im blaming myself
without taking any of those restrictions away from me
i will be like this forever arent i?
arent i?

mulai.

2007-09-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

mulai.
tanggal adalah 26 september 2007
dikamar gelap
males nyalain lampu
jauh
ngapain mesti berdiri kalo akhirnya cuman buat nyalain lampu
gak semua orang mau kejelasan.

pengen mulai blog dikarenakan
pengen ngomong
cuman gak tau ama siapa
pengen teriak
boro-boro, lebih gak tau lagi ama siapa
pengen nangis
tapi gak jelas kenapa
jadi akhirnya diketik aja semua.

ingin dimulai dibiasakan adanya kebiasaan baik ini
sehat untuk saraf jari
sehat untuk otak
sangat tidak sehat untuk mata dan bibir
soalnya pas ngetik pasti ngegigitin bibir mulu.

mulai pagi hari ini
bangun di city hall hotel
bareng nyokap gw
sama sodara-sodara gw
kedinginan, meler, dingin abis, lupa matiin ac
liat jam, gak keliatan, ambil kacamata, liat lagi, jam 8.23
berarti lupa pasang alarm, berarti tadi bangun gara-gara kesadaran sendiri, bangun gara-gara mimpi, apa bangun gara-gara terang matahari, tapi hordennya tebel, gak mungkin tembus.
udah selesai mikir kenapa bangunya, yang akhirnya gak ketemu juga jawabnya, cepet-cepet bangun.
mandi.
tapi lupa sikat gigi.
ambil barang semua, turun, makan breakfast, dua hash brown, dari kentang, bukan yang laen-laen, dua tomat panggang, satu sosis sedap, gak tau daging apa, panjang tapi melengkung, seru, satu timun, gak tau kenapa bisa keambil, sama satu gepok nasi lemak, enak.
enak banget.
tapi udah telat banget.
kelas jam 9.
berangkat jam 8.45an.
cepet-cepet cari taksi.
udah dapet, tukang taksinya mukanya bawel abis.
dan ternyata bener.
ngomongin kekurusan fisik saya. sangat tidak sopan.
diem. tahan. diem. tahan. satu kali belok kanan lagi nyampe.
sebelum belok kanan, ambil duitnya dulu di dompet, total kira-kira 5 dolaran, ambil 6 dolar.
begitu nyampe, kasih langsung pergi, gak peduli 20 sen kembalianya, males liat mukanya.
emosi pagi hari sangat merusak semangat belajar.
naek ke kelas, jam 9.10an.
belum dateng gurunya.
emosi lagi, udah buru-buru, tau gitu tadi nasi lemaknya ditelen dengan sehat dulu.
sekarang rasanya nasi lemak ada di tengah-tengah leher, kesangkut sama sosis yang bengkok, gak tau gimana caranya dia bisa bengkok lagi, seinget saya udah digigit jadi dua, mungkin disatukan lagi sama badan.

selama pelajaran maen-maen.
udah selese, yang laen makan, saya pulang.
tadinya mau tidur, tapi ternyata ditelpon.
telpon selesai, tambah emosi.
ditelpon onta, harusnya seneng, awalnya seneng, beneran bahagia nan girang.
emosi sama tukang taksi sempet terasa hilang lenyap.
sampe sang makhluk padang gurun itu beraksi dengan persilatan lidahnya lagi, silatnya jungkirbalik sampe lidahnya muter ke otak, goblok nan tolol lah perkataanya itu.
langsung males tambah teringat emosi-emosi pagi hari.

kegiatan dirumah dilanjutkan dengan bermain diner dash.
itu adalah keputusan yang sangat salah.
manunjukkan bahwa manusia tidak diperkenankan untuk mengambil keputusan, bahkan apabila itu buat dirinya sendiri, jikalau emosi lagi melanda jiwa.
apalagi kalo kurang tidur.
dobel lagi gak bolehnya.
apalagi kalo orang itu selama idupnya bukan orang yang bebas berpendapat, tidak dididik untuk jadi lantang dan berwibawa, tambah tidak diperbolehkan lagi.
diner dash susah banget.
mati mulu.
tambah emosi.

akhirnya jam 2.50
ke kelas lagi, ada kelas siang jam 3.
nyampe kelas, gak masuk dulu, ngerokok bentar di tangga darurat, sendiri.
mikirin kenapa hari ini emosi terus.
tiba-tiba pengen nelen asep rokok, biar pusing.
akhirnya dicoba sekali.
kembali ke hipotesis diatas tentang tidak diperkenankanya orang mengambil keputusan apabila sedang ditengah badai emosi dan kebingungan, ditambah kesendirian.
malah mual, pengen muntah.
tapi tiba-tiba pintu lantai satu kebuka, saya di lantai tiga.
saya ngintip kebawah, ada celah kecil diantara tangganya jadi bisa ngeliat kebawah, ternyata itu orang, pendek, ubanan, bapak-bapak, pake bajun biru kayak security.
di sekolah gak boleh ngerokok sebenernya.
langsung dilemparlah rokok ke jendela.
gak pas.
mantul masuk
jauh lagi.
lari
ambil rokoknya, buang lagi.
kali ini pas.
jarak antar saya dan jendela kira kira satu inci.
langsung mau turun dan kabur.
securitynya udah terlanjur naek dan ampir papasan muka.
ternyata itu bukan security.
murid apaan gak jelas, tapi pake baju kemeja biru gelap.
mungkin dia bercita cita jadi security di sekolah.
menakjubkan.
tiba-tiba, teringat bahwa rokok yang dibuang masih panjanglah adanya
tiba-tiba, teringat bahwa rokok yang dibuang mahallah harganya disini
tiba-tiba, tambah emosi lagi.
akhirnya memutuskan untuk tidak dipikirkan dan masuk ke kelas.
di kelas biasa aja.
gak ada yang nanya, gak ada yang liat juga.
ada sih yang nanya, tapi gengsi dan rasa dirinya kuat menahan untuk cerita, bukan gara-gara ceritanya gak lucu atau apa, tapi memang males aja ngomong,
akhirnya kelas berakhir.
jam 7 malem.
pulang.
disinilah sekarang keberadaan.
diatas sepre baru.
tadi ternyata nyokap sempet dateng ke rumah sebelum cabut balik.
digantiin seprenya.
untung laci-laci gak diperiksa.
gelap.
males nyalain lampu.
laper.
makan ah.
makanya nungguin jon deh.
temen serumah.
dia lagi maen warcraft, katanya bentar lagi.

udah makan.
kenyang. rasa kenyangnya kayak ketiban bantal.
enak.
sedap.
brapa juta orang gak bisa rasain ini.
brapa ayam sama kentang dipotong trus dimasa, digoreng buat gw ngerasa ini.
makasih.
enak.

tidur.
harus bisa tidur.
gak boleh mimpi aneh aneh lagi.
harus bisa.