the cycle of a social life

bukan berarti aku tidak berusaha
bukan berarti pula aku tak pernah mencoba
berjuta waktu telah kuarungi mendaki sebuah bukit
bukit kehidupan sosial yang tinggi curam bagai tanpa akhir
ingin dilihat ingin diakui
ingin ditanya ingin setidak-tidaknya diingat
jari-jari tangan terkelupas habis
oleh erosi ego dari kerikil-kerikil salah sangka
telapak kaki baal dari hantaman kapalan iri hati
tetes-tetes keringat penuh masalah yang dibuat-buat oleh pikiran sendiri
jatuh bercampur dengan sepasang mata
yang lelah oleh silaunya pancaran matahari
yang sinarnya menusuk penuh rasa keheranan
kenapa makhluk seperti ini bisa ada disini?
kenapa dia tidak menyadari dimana harusnya dia berada?
kenapa dia tidak diam saja dibawah?
apa daya diri tidak mampu
menahan gejolak ingin berdiri diatas sang bukit itu
berdiri diatas padang rumput hijau tidak terlihat
mitos tentang kebaradaan sang danau diatas sana
danau ketenangan berisi mata air kehormatan diri
siapa yang minum dari danau tersebut akan diakui
akan dihormati
akan diketahui keberadaannya
dari situ dia akan berdiri di ujung bukit tersebut
menunduk melihat kebawah
memperhatikan kaum-kaumnya sedang berusaha
berdiri di tempat dia berdiri dan menunduk
minum air danau yang dia minum
dan diakui layaknya dia diakui setelah sampai diatas
dari situ pula dia akan mengulurkan tangannya
dengan syarat tersaksikan oleh orang-orang lainnya yang juga ada diatas
bersama dengan dia
apabila tersaksikan sudah
dia akan menolong dan membantu kaum-kaumnya
bagai induk singa menolong anaknya
menjadi panutan dan pahlawan
bagi adik-adik kelasnya
menjadi figur yang diingat namanya
oleh kakak-kakak kelasnya
menjadi orang atas yang peduli terhadap orang bawah yang tak henti-hentinya
berusaha untuk menjadi orang atas.

huee heee...
whippeee whippeee yay...
la la la...
whippppeeeeyyy yeaaaaaahhhhhh

nothings

I know
I know...

I know I don't have the talent.
I know I don't have the mindset.
The analogy.

I might only have the passion.
The will for the very first moments.

I might be stuck.
Most probably I will.
By the middle of it.
All the way through the end.

I will do it.
Will I?
I have nothing to lose.
But I know I have lost a lot even now.
I don't want to lose anything else.
But I realized I never had anything.
Nothing.
I have lost noting.
I have lost a lot.
A lot of nothings.

Nothings.

do I?
when is it exactly?
when does it all started?
It changes
to the better
or for worse.
It changes.
I have no recollection
of the shattered piece of memory,
the proud feathers of the peacock of reminiscence,
not even the mere image of myself.

when I realize,
I have turned myself,
turned into something,
something .

all my life,
I know I have always been the 8th color of the rainbow,
the unknown strip in the flag of life,
the outcast of the solar system.
I breathe a different air,
and I consume a different nutrition.

But now,
I am 1 day old.
I am oxygenated.
I cry tears.
I like soccer.
I play.
I play together.

do I deserve all this masks?
do I deserve this newly added chapter?
do I deserve to be published?
and be read,
and believed?

I have never fought for it to be so.
I have never forced anyone to.
if it looks like I did.
do I deserve to be hated by those who don't?
I am running forward,
with my head facing backward,
and my eyes patrol around,
trying to catch a sight of some fierce leopards,
who I know will strike me whenever they had a chance to,
I know I'm in a hot seat.
alone in a big empty savannah,
with bushes around me,
waiting to be eaten.

I am not scared,
part of me wants to go back.
to be unaccepted,
to be hiding,
to be the stealthy owl as I used to be.

I am confused,
I am running,
I don't know what for,
but I hope it's worth it.

the origin of our sole warrior

I have something on my mind.
something BIG.
something dark.
something scary,
yet oh so merry,
and pretty,
oh so pretty.

I have something i wanna say.
I have something i wanna smell.
wanna touch.
wanna play with.
I wanna own it.
and share it.
and let everyone,
anyone,
owns it as well.

I live for this.
for knowing this.
I live.

wanna know whats that?

I wanna know how we got here.
I wanna know how we came about.
I wanna know,
wanna ask,
wants some answers.
From who is the answer?
from who is I should know?

la li la.
jumping around.
la li la.
feeling all,
everything around me.
oh so merry,
and pretty.

Oh oh my oh oh gray things.
oh oh my oh oh blue things.
where oh where oh where my greenies.
my brownies.
my reddies.
oh oh oh.

I see it.
i see it clearly.
by the blue.
beside the yellow.
covered by the whites.
and surrounded by the colors.
colors of sounds.
and noises of things.
I wanna hear,
everything around me,
so merry,
and oh so pretty.

I wanna go there.
i wanna touch.
wanna step on it.
and fly on it.
float.
like the angels.
like the angels.
long long
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
time ago.

harus.

harus.
harus liat
harus ngomong
harus denger
tapi ga bisa
harus ngomong
harus ngomong
tapi
kalo ngomong terus
ga ada yang denger
harus denger
harus ngomong
harus.

pv pv

i have no doubt
i had a mistake

i have no thoughts
of coming back and repair

i have no dream
of being someone

of being something

of being someone
that done something
to someone
on something
that affects someone
and another someone
on another something

fuck all those bureaucracy
fuck all those who say it
those who dreamt about it
those who acknowledged its existence

its unfair
how they get the things so easy
where they dont really need them
when they never even try to find them
whose not worthy of the possession

its sickening
and hurtful
how they can did that
without looking back
and still optimist
for the future ahead to be filled
with colors and smiles
stupid is one
and idiot is another
there is nothing

nothing else

how can i manage
manage to survive
manage to stay alive
manage to exist
if it wont affect anything
if my presence is acknowledged by none

please let me go
let me just disappear
to the bottom of the social junk piles
make all my memories gone
make all my knowledge gone
make my face gone
as i wont need them anymore
as if i need them now
i dont
and i have no desire to need them anytime soon
or longer
or forever

please

please