a thank you

i feel great that day.
its unusual all right.
i was supposed to be tired.
i guess i actually was.
but some kind of sheer smiling force struck me.
i couldnt seem to stop my mouth getting wider and wider.
i feel the wind blowing on my face.
on my hair.
on my eyes.
on my whole body.
the sky was brilliant blue.
no clouds at all.
framed by shiny green trees.
incredible.
it was the first time in my life.
i suppose.
i had everything i wanted back there.
though it was only for few hours.
it was enough.
i have the nature with me.
i have my friends with me.
i felt so good.
it was like flying.
really flying.
it may sound cheesy, but it really was like flying.
at the same day, i also made some great discovery.
its about happiness.
i dont think it is something that you search for.
i think it is something that you gain.
when the time is right.
omg i cant believe i would ever felt like that.
thank you friends.
thank you yellow stuffs.
thank you green stuffs.
thank you cab uncle.
thank you mama earth.
thank you.
thank you.

im just a young bastard.

i always felt like a great thinker. seeing myself as someone special, different, unlike any other people. I dont see them as my kind. Im superior. I knew I am. I knew I had all of those people's experiences in the past, I felt like ive gone through it, defeated it, conquered and overcame the whole situation, and I am more matured than they are. But am I really are? I'm not that sure anymore. Ive seen some things that convinced me, and some that didnt, some things that made me think, "yea, ive said that before when i was in the similar situation." Or some that made me think,"how come they don't look like they're having the same problem as me? we're in the same age, same group of friends growing up, same school, even same slangs used, but why?". I am confused, puzzled, i dont wanna think about it anymore. But I cant just let it swirls inside my brain all the time, Ive gotta clean this mess in my head, as soon as possible. I wanna do surveys, but that would be really idiotic, I dont even know how to put my questions literally, they are questions of feelings, unsure feelings. What I need actually is not an answer, not those definite answer like the ones you get from Math, or Physics, or Chemistry, or when you tell your parents that you're gay, or your girlfriend and boyfriend. What I need really is confirmation, a good-old flat-toned normal saying, that goes like this, "yea, i know how that feels.". I wish I can get those wonderful rainbow-like five words put together in one line just like a heavenly soothing phrase. I wish I could get that ethereal line without telling the situation to a person, I really wish I could, Im not simply hoping for a cat to grow wings and fly off in front of me, Im aware of the impossibility, but Im just unwilling to actually find another method to get it. Actually, the other method is quite obvious, I think it is to simply tell the situation to any of your friends, so-called friends, need-to-be friends, i-want-to-be-their friends, I-guess-they-are friends, i-hate-them-that's-why-im-going-to-break-them-from-inside friends,
and maybe even your parents.But it would make you look very dumb, and immature, and stupid, and youll look like you are so left behind by time, and that is not good, not good, not good. I am a person of maturity-mask, greatness-mask, knowledge-mask, pain-mask, experience-mask, cool-mask, straight-mask, and skinniness-real. I cant go around and asking people about whether theyve felt the same feelings or not, that would make me look like an amateur in this life, because don't forget, I'm also a person of professionalism-mask. I wonder when will I gonna stop, when, what time, tell me, is it tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, next century, next millenium, or maybe when my parents will finally accept me as myself? please just let me have those make-up cleaner, i need to see my real face, desperately. I know Im not a terrible person, I just know it deep in my heart, that I want to die when Im old, surrounded by people that I loved the most, None of them are going to wear black, I want them to wear colorful stuffs, we'll do my cremation in Bali, I'll rent a block of beach just for my private goodbyes with those people, I want bikinis, sun, cocktails, sands, surfboards, cool cool reggae musics, hot hot marijuanas, great great view of the sea, beautiful beautiful people, magical magical sunset, and no no no no tears at all. I want to be nice to people, I want to come across as a person that I think is the real me. I will.

bad boss

this is so silly.
those people really frustrate me.
omg.
i know im being so nasty.
acting like some kind of superior.
i feel crazy.
how could i do that.
but that superiority has confined me.
i am now stuck.
i dont know how to communicate with my "underlings".
i feel like a bad boss,
a bad person.
i need to stop this.
theyre not my underlings.
theyre my mates.
i love them.
they're just like my own family.
what was i thinking.
but i have no clue on what's going on.
i don't know how to even start.
start to fix things.
i don't know what they know.
i don't think i should know.
but in this case, maybe i should.
i need to talk.
and thus,
i need to know something.
otherwise ill be talking nonsense.
and that will only make things worse.
what am i gonna do.
how long will this last.
i need to find out a way.
and then sneak through in again.
just like old times.

chat with cool.

sit.
dont talk back.
relax.
calm,
down.
i wont think of it.
no.
i wont.
its ok.
i dont have anywhere to speak.
to tell.
to cry.
i feel alone.
i think it was my choice to be alone.
or maybe i just cant be not alone.
maybe im made to be alone.
i tried.
what should i do.
i dunno.
im starting to feel sick again.
but i dont know how to handle it this time.
im confused.
maybe i shld do what i think i shld.
but im so scared tht i will be alone again after i did tht.
im confused.
and petrified.
i dunno what to do.
maybe i shld just break it.
or maybe i dont.
but i did it.
o no.
did i just made a wrong move?
im stuck.
peculiar!
omg.
shit.
what shld i do.
im really really stuck.
o no.
shld i continue?
but i dunno how to continue.
as i said again,
im stuck.
i really dunno wat to do.
hopefully this works out.
im so panicking right now.
omg omg.
im not ready yet.
doing good.
doing really good.
or maybe just normal.
i dunno.
but at least for me, this is good enough.
still nervous.
omg.
its doing kinda great.
a bit weird.
should i go deeper?
maybe i shld.
o no im terrified.
again.
i dunno if i shld do it.
hmmmm.
omg omg.
maybe i shldnt.
not the time.
this is gd enough for me.
phew.

a good person

i feel nothing.
i dunno why.
i want to know.
i was lookin for it.
i went out and look for it.
i failed.
deliberately.
i dunno why i choose to be a failure.
i was lookin for it.
i tried my best.
i still couldnt find it.
i want to see.
i want to know.
i want to put it inside of my brain.
i want to tell people.
i want responses.
im a person of confirmation.
i need them to build my confidence.
im cold and scared without it.
do i feel sorry for myself?
no, i loathe it.
but i believe im not the only one.
maybe other people also have this kind of probs.
they just never said it out.
so ill consider myself lucky enough to be able to spit it out here.
why do i force myslef?
im not sure.
maybe because i know an example,
a goal.
a place where i want to stand on.
although maybe i know im not supposed to.
maybe,
so i can still reassure myself all the time,
that i can stand there,
and i will.
is that a good attitude?
that sure sounds like a good one.
i wanna feel safe.
i wanna quietly follow.
i wanna silently gain the acknowledgments that i think,
maybe,
again,
i should have.
i know my friends.
maybe they know me.
i hope they do.
i want them to do.
but seems like my defense system make myself appeared as someone else.
or maybe that is who i really am.
if that is,
i am miserable.
im not cool,
im chatty,
im annoying.
im the last person i wanted to be.
why is it?
i worked so hard.
i know im not that person.
i just know it.
is it self defense?
maybe it is.
but i just never will accept that guy.
no way.
i know i can be a good friend.
why?
because ive met and known a lot of good people.
and i believe that i have followed them.
because when you know a good person,
sometimes you are,
at least,
decently and publicly referred as good.
so i think,
i should know how to be a good person.
but at the same time,
i think ive also found out,
on the way to becoming this generally referred as decently good person,
how to be myself.
and i still dont have that kind of trust,
that kind of confirmation and self-confindence,
that i am indeed,
a good person.
but maybe,
i am.
maybe.

i wish i can

if only they knew,
i'm tired of this spin,
i'm racing against the wind,
going ultra-fast against the piercing gale,
i'll run out of my skin if i keep doing that,
please notice it soon,
now,
don't you feel it too?
the slash of the winding glares,
the thrust of the loud mockery,
maybe you don't,
i don't know,
like you don't know about mine,
how can i tell you?
i wish i can, i wish i knew, i wish i can.
i thought it would be easy,
i thought my body and brain would adjust to it eventually,
i thought my eyes and nose would be drier by times,
drier, yeah, so dry, that i can feel every single hair inside my nostrils,
i feel like a skunk trying to feel good about my own smell,
acknowledging the fact,
i wish i can, i wish i knew,
i wish i can.
i want to tell you so badly,
i wonder what's gonna happen,
i'm afraid, afraid of a good things that will come to me if i tell you,
i know it won't be worse than now,
it can't be worse,
but i wish i can,
i know we will have a blast if i tell you,
we will probably run away,
across the country,
should be fun,
but why can't i tell you?
there's this huge wall that blocks my true intentions all this time,
what is it?
i want to break it, i want, i do, i don't maybe, i do? i don't
i don't feel like the wall is that thick, i know i can just tear it,
why can't i?
i wish i knew, i wish i can,
please just tear it for me,
break it and let me tell you the thing,
right in front of your face,
please just realize it,
now.

friends

have u ever think of the friends we have.
we have friends that think of us as their friends as well.
something like a two-way connection.
we also have friends that we think is only there for the sake of something other than friendship.
it is called business.
we also have friends that we think of them as friends, we dream to be their friends, we hope they feel the same way too.
reality is, those "friends" will never be our real friends.
when we want someone to be our friend,
we errored in terms of many spontanious actions,
we speak many things that we don't usually say,
we move like we just learn how to walk,
try to make fun of ourselves,
hope they'll laugh and accept you,
by doing that, you don't make them your friends,
they laugh, yes,
they had fun, probably,
but they think of you as a funny acquaintance, that's the nicest, the worst, as a clown.
This theory doesn't really occur on everyone,
some people are just too cool for everyone,
they never face this kind of things in their social life.
i hope they feel the same,
i hope they know what i want,
i don't need to be that person,
i never say i don't want to,
i'd love to,
but i think being myself is a better decision,
i want to have them,
i need them,
is it business?
i'm not sure,
is it friendship?
i'd like to address it that way.

ah not-so-hidden intention

a night
so dark
its not even a night
a night is an event
where everything is hidden
supposedly
everything is covered by the nocturnal lid
everything is supposed to be waiting
waiting for the morning to come
the dawn of the new, exciting, hopefully powerful and eventful hours,
hours bathed in sunlight
ornamented with colours and noises
i want to dance
too rough
too plain
such a gangster paradistic
pessimistic but hopefully its reality
how it looks like
exactly
unblindfoldedly
i rally
just need
need to express
i want to jump
spread my legs
i want to learn
learn to cry
learn to dress
learn to accept
accept what i am
accept what i can give
eventually satisfy people
let them smile
without being forced
i just
want to
need to
dream of becoming one of them
who can move freely
without the boundaries of stereotypes
without any cuffs from the mass' expectations
im just a person
with some extra hopes
and some extra restrictions
restrictions that i made myself
and i followed
without even thinking
and feel tortured by it
and sighed to my friends
without blaming them
im blaming myself
without taking any of those restrictions away from me
i will be like this forever arent i?
arent i?