im just a young bastard.

i always felt like a great thinker. seeing myself as someone special, different, unlike any other people. I dont see them as my kind. Im superior. I knew I am. I knew I had all of those people's experiences in the past, I felt like ive gone through it, defeated it, conquered and overcame the whole situation, and I am more matured than they are. But am I really are? I'm not that sure anymore. Ive seen some things that convinced me, and some that didnt, some things that made me think, "yea, ive said that before when i was in the similar situation." Or some that made me think,"how come they don't look like they're having the same problem as me? we're in the same age, same group of friends growing up, same school, even same slangs used, but why?". I am confused, puzzled, i dont wanna think about it anymore. But I cant just let it swirls inside my brain all the time, Ive gotta clean this mess in my head, as soon as possible. I wanna do surveys, but that would be really idiotic, I dont even know how to put my questions literally, they are questions of feelings, unsure feelings. What I need actually is not an answer, not those definite answer like the ones you get from Math, or Physics, or Chemistry, or when you tell your parents that you're gay, or your girlfriend and boyfriend. What I need really is confirmation, a good-old flat-toned normal saying, that goes like this, "yea, i know how that feels.". I wish I can get those wonderful rainbow-like five words put together in one line just like a heavenly soothing phrase. I wish I could get that ethereal line without telling the situation to a person, I really wish I could, Im not simply hoping for a cat to grow wings and fly off in front of me, Im aware of the impossibility, but Im just unwilling to actually find another method to get it. Actually, the other method is quite obvious, I think it is to simply tell the situation to any of your friends, so-called friends, need-to-be friends, i-want-to-be-their friends, I-guess-they-are friends, i-hate-them-that's-why-im-going-to-break-them-from-inside friends,
and maybe even your parents.But it would make you look very dumb, and immature, and stupid, and youll look like you are so left behind by time, and that is not good, not good, not good. I am a person of maturity-mask, greatness-mask, knowledge-mask, pain-mask, experience-mask, cool-mask, straight-mask, and skinniness-real. I cant go around and asking people about whether theyve felt the same feelings or not, that would make me look like an amateur in this life, because don't forget, I'm also a person of professionalism-mask. I wonder when will I gonna stop, when, what time, tell me, is it tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, next century, next millenium, or maybe when my parents will finally accept me as myself? please just let me have those make-up cleaner, i need to see my real face, desperately. I know Im not a terrible person, I just know it deep in my heart, that I want to die when Im old, surrounded by people that I loved the most, None of them are going to wear black, I want them to wear colorful stuffs, we'll do my cremation in Bali, I'll rent a block of beach just for my private goodbyes with those people, I want bikinis, sun, cocktails, sands, surfboards, cool cool reggae musics, hot hot marijuanas, great great view of the sea, beautiful beautiful people, magical magical sunset, and no no no no tears at all. I want to be nice to people, I want to come across as a person that I think is the real me. I will.