a good person

i feel nothing.
i dunno why.
i want to know.
i was lookin for it.
i went out and look for it.
i failed.
deliberately.
i dunno why i choose to be a failure.
i was lookin for it.
i tried my best.
i still couldnt find it.
i want to see.
i want to know.
i want to put it inside of my brain.
i want to tell people.
i want responses.
im a person of confirmation.
i need them to build my confidence.
im cold and scared without it.
do i feel sorry for myself?
no, i loathe it.
but i believe im not the only one.
maybe other people also have this kind of probs.
they just never said it out.
so ill consider myself lucky enough to be able to spit it out here.
why do i force myslef?
im not sure.
maybe because i know an example,
a goal.
a place where i want to stand on.
although maybe i know im not supposed to.
maybe,
so i can still reassure myself all the time,
that i can stand there,
and i will.
is that a good attitude?
that sure sounds like a good one.
i wanna feel safe.
i wanna quietly follow.
i wanna silently gain the acknowledgments that i think,
maybe,
again,
i should have.
i know my friends.
maybe they know me.
i hope they do.
i want them to do.
but seems like my defense system make myself appeared as someone else.
or maybe that is who i really am.
if that is,
i am miserable.
im not cool,
im chatty,
im annoying.
im the last person i wanted to be.
why is it?
i worked so hard.
i know im not that person.
i just know it.
is it self defense?
maybe it is.
but i just never will accept that guy.
no way.
i know i can be a good friend.
why?
because ive met and known a lot of good people.
and i believe that i have followed them.
because when you know a good person,
sometimes you are,
at least,
decently and publicly referred as good.
so i think,
i should know how to be a good person.
but at the same time,
i think ive also found out,
on the way to becoming this generally referred as decently good person,
how to be myself.
and i still dont have that kind of trust,
that kind of confirmation and self-confindence,
that i am indeed,
a good person.
but maybe,
i am.
maybe.